You know, it’s a funny thing when you realize that what you thought you wanted isn’t actually what you want … or even need. I started writing this blog years ago because I needed an outlet, and I wanted to be heard. Throughout the years (and the blog name changes), I thought I knew where I wanted it to go. But after taking some time to reflect, I’ve realized that I want something very different now.
At different times, I’ve wanted to vent, to connect, to be a beacon of light, to challenge my creative writing skills, to have a column in a newspaper, and to be the next goddamn Erma Bombeck. I mean, my goals have run the gamut from the humblest of ambitions to the completely unattainable. Somewhere along the way, I lost sight of why I was even doing this anymore.
What I have figured out is this: I S-U-C-K at handwritten journaling. My hands can’t keep up with my thoughts, so I misspell words or completely leave out letters and sometimes whole words. Then the OCD part of my brain can’t deal with the messy handwriting or crossed-out words, so I tear out the pages and start again so I end up with a pretty, finished product. And that’s hard to take for the person who won the sixth-grade handwriting contest. I also won the spelling bee in sixth grade, so obviously, we all know when I peaked.
But I digress … Besides not being able to live with the end result of my journaling, I cannot tell you how many journals I’ve written in and lost throughout the years. And the ones I’ve found later just make me cringe with a Junie B. Jones “shrinking inside” feeling.
So here we are—blogging away my feelings for the whole world to see. It’s a nice community, and I love knowing that other people who love to write are reading my thoughts and stories. It hits me right in the feels when something I write hits the mark with someone.
I had a burst of creativity earlier this year and started blogging again. I love it so much, but for some reason I felt like I had to turn it into something bigger. I see other people who never stopped writing, and they have thousands of followers, channels, and an established online presence. So, I thought I had to get there, too.
Some of that pressure may have come from the fact that I’ve also been pouring my creative energy into something completely different … a small business idea that has taken up far more space in my brain than I expected. Apparently, I decided one creative pursuit wasn’t enough to overthink, so I gave myself another one.
But I’ve come to understand something recently: We all write for different reasons. We each have our own voice, and we each have our own path. I don’t think my path is to become a well-known blogger. I think I took something I enjoyed and turned it into something that felt more like a chore than a release. For me, that’s not the endgame for my writing.
I recently wrote about forgetting that I had personal social media accounts and how I have spent the last two years completely unaware of what was happening in my friends’ lives. Like a lot of people, I put too much pressure on myself to turn something into more, and then I lost sight of what made it important to me in the first place.
I love sharing my stories, and I can’t tell you how much it hits means when someone connects with something I’ve written. It’s the best feeling ever! But that can still happen without trying to make this into something it isn’t.
I feel a little narcissistic putting all of this out there, as if anyone is going to notice or care that I took down a couple of social media accounts. But at the same time, this is why I started the blog in the first place: to help me process the things that happen in life, to leave something behind so my grandkids can know me when they’re older and I’m no longer here, and to connect with people who may be feeling the same way and need to know they aren’t alone.
So, my friends, this isn’t a goodbye. It’s more of a hello again. I’m letting go of what I thought this blog had to become so I that can get back to enjoying it for what it is. And I hope you stay along for the ride!
Thanks for reading ~ Roxie 💙
Roxie Rides Again 