Mumsies

My relationship with my mother has always been complicated. I know, I know … we all have complicated relationships with our mothers. But the issue for me right now is that I think my mother is dying. She has dementia, which has made her at times angry, aggressive and mean. She has slowly forgotten about all the anger she possessed, and for now she’s settled into a constant state of dazed confusion.

I have been afraid that because of the relationship we’ve had I would be relieved when she died and that, in turn, would make me feel guilty and full of regret. We moved her from KC down here to Texas before we fully realized how much her mental state had declined. When I say “we” I mean my brother moved her down here two weeks before I moved into my new home. Then he moved to Hawaii and it was just me and mom for awhile. Anyway, I’ve been really struggling for the past two years with caring for my mother, who I think loved me but never really liked me. It’s a lot to unpack, so I’ll keep that locked up and stored away for later.

Let’s just fast-forward to today, where I am no longer mad at my mother. I was mad for a long time, and I didn’t even know it. It took this horrible disease to do what she and I have never been able to do and that is to get along. I’m not even sure why I’m telling you all this other than I needed to write it down so that I can process it. Because every time I see her there is less and less of her, both mentally and physically. Dementia doesn’t just diminish the mind; it also robs the body of its ability to remember how to function. The woman who always seemed to tower over me my whole life is now reduced to a frail and timid person.

Each time I see her I’m worried that it’s going to be the last time, so we hug and say “I love you” before I leave, which is new for us. When she does pass, I want to remember that we finally found peace with each other, and I am already grateful that we had the chance to find that out.